All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
