im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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