TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize