peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this beer tastes like vomit already
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
