my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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