I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
