Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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