there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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