Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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