I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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