My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
