I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
