i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize