I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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