wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
