Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize