Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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