Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
