when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
