I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize