he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
