oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
