At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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