dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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