Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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