he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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