Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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