Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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