apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
