i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
