Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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