Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
