The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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