Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
