he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
