Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't notice because vodka
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
