i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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