Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
