It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
