My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
