This is not my ceiling
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
