I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
