Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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