the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i think i have two assholes
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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