Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize