I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
