Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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