I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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