Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
