my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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