I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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