I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
