I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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