Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
