Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
