May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
