you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
