1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
