we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
