OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
