I wish I could punch you in the face.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
