did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
