I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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