wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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