yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
