I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
